Yeah,
I've had the old simultaneous, the mutual come,
me and the guy in perfect sync just like in the
movies. Was it high voltage pop-my-fuse kind of
wonderful the way I'll never forget as long
as I live? Nah. It was more like one of those things
you can check off your check list. I mean, really
the coolest thing about it is that one of you isn't
waiting around pretending to be interested after
you come. I'm just playing cynical, of course.
Really I don't have a problem with after I come
because I dig the part where I get to grope him
all up and do nasty things to his dick, sometimes
even better than coming -- call me weird. And yes,
my lover is into getting me off before he does,
and lucky for me he's damned good at it.
So my advice about the mutual orgasm is, it's
a fun thing to shoot for on a rainy afternoon when
the BBQ you were planning gets rained out. But if
you give it your best shot and it still doesn't
happen, the mutual O is not something to get worked
up over.
As Ian Kerner said of the Hollywood-style Simultaneous
Orgasm in "She Comes First" (See "She
Comes First: A Book Review" in our Archives):
"That happens about as often as winning the
lottery."
Besides, the mutual orgasm doesn't feel oh-so-much-better
from the woman's perspective. It can feel pretty
cool, if everything is in sync, and your oom goes
with his pa-pa. But more times than not, with two
people thrashing to their own rhythms, things are
going to get out of sync and then your partner's
orgasm can feel like a distraction. Or something
might slip when it should slide.
There are really lots of reasons not to bother.
There's the problem of split focus -- you don't
get to focus on your own pleasure as much because
you're concentrating on timing. Each partner
is sort of divided in two between their feelings
and their doings, between where they are in the
orgasmic cycle and where their partner is. So neither
will necessarily feel the full intensity of their
own sensations.
The second downer is that going for the mutual orgasm
can become stressful -- for the guy who's prone
to performance anxiety and for the woman who's
prone to the desire to please. Unless you take a
really blaze attitude towards the mutual, it can
feel more like an entrance exam than a shared good
time ("memorize these body parts -- test after
foreplay!").
But for those ambitious lovers who have been in
no way discouraged by this warning, here are a few
pointers about the mutual orgasm that will get you
started:
Two preliminaries:
1) Know your lover's come cycle (especially
guys); know the sounds s/he makes when s/he's
hot and hotter, and know how many minutes before
orgasm s/he makes them. The lady must know how to
make herself come if not to speed things up on her
own, at least to guide him in the path of right
orgasms. (If the guy already knows how to make her
come -- then he's an angel (and she can be lazy).)
2) Know how to control the guy's ejaculation.
It's all about him holding off (or her holding
him off) until she is just about ready to come.
Feel free to do whatever's necessary to make
her come -- there's no rule book that says "the
only good orgasm is a hands-off orgasm." Use
those hands to stimulate his balls, her clit, his
or her nipples -- there's no such thing as cheating.
Steal, embezzle, rub, finger, and lick to get that
orgasm!.
Now on the first requirement:
Don't expect her (or yourself, if you're
the lady) to come from the mere thrusting of dick.
She will probably need his saucy little fingers
(or her own) on her clit. Make sure she's wet
first, then play that eager nub for all you're
worth -- gently, not ambitiously. Enjoy yourself.
Just play, no-pressure, with her clit until her
nipples start to curl or her breath starts sounding
like the stalked babysitter in a horror movie just
after the lights go out.
And for the second requirement:
If a guy is a Tantrika, he can hold back his orgasm
on a thought. But most guys need a little more assistance.
Here are three options. 1) Reign in the geyser by
pushing hard on the perineum (between butt hole
and ball sac). 2) If he's inside her, he can
pull out and count sheep, or maybe smelly baby diapers.
3) He or she can also pinch off the flow by squeezing
the head of his penis.
Once you have these two golden skills in hand --
knowing the come cycle and knowing how to hold off
orgasm -- there are any variety of things you can
do, but most of them involve being very busy with
your hands and body, and paying close attention
to your partner.
Senario 1: The lady can play with her own clit while
he's inside her thrusting away. They can communicate
verbally back and forth as to how close they are
and take appropriate measures.
Scenario 2: Guy gives cunnilingus or a finger job
until she's almost ready to come. Then he enters
her and they go very slowly here -- he works himself
up by thrusting, while she keeps her stimulation
level high perhaps touching herself a bit or squeezing
her PC muscle.
Scenario 3: Mutual masturbation, both stopping and
starting as needed. He does not enter her until
they both badly feel the need to come.
And so forth.
Obviously, it's about getting to know your partner
-- the observable signs of their orgasm as well
as the actions to take to send them over. This means
that doing it with a new partner will be about five
times as tough as doing it with someone you know
well. But on the other hand, if you and a new partner
set mutual orgasm as a kind of fun goal, it can
be a way to get to know them -- so long as you're
not prone to over-achieving. Attempt the learning-experience
approach only if both you and your partner are very
patient, no-expectations kind of people.
The final tip is: relax and have fun. This same
thing is true for all sexual endeavors -- the more
relaxed, the more total the sexual experience. But
it is especially true when trying for the mutual
orgasm. Because it may take a few, or several tries,
and if you want each try to be fun no matter the
outcome, relaxing is the only recourse open to you.
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